A year ago today i was recuperating from surgery. I was recuperating, but i was still sick. Critically sick.
I have - so many times - ran it through my head, about how i would write up a piece about that phase... but I could never muster the courage. See, writing about it felt to me like giving it it's own wings, giving it a life of it's own. I did not want to give it the benefit of being such a "big thing" in my life. Until last night, during church, giving glory and praise to God, I heard it. I heard HIM. How can I glorify my God properly, wholeheartedly and completely if I do not acknowledge what I went through? If I do not share the experience and tell people what makes our lives worth living?
See, a year ago today, I knew I had stage 2 colon cancer. I had a successful surgery that took it out (Praise God for the wonderful doctors He used as His instruments). I was at home, tending to my new "vertical bikini cut". I was waiting for the second biopsy reading from Singapore Hospital (upon the recommendation of my oncologist, we sent my specimens to Singapore). My emotions were in limbo, for how can you function if your future - and not just your long-range future but your "tomorrow-and-the-day-after-tomorrow" kind of future - is unsure of?
Days after, we got the results. Surprise surpise. I did not have stage 2 colon cancer. I had...wait for it...stage 3 colon cancer. Ting-a-ling-ding-ding!!!
You know how you play it in your head about what you would do if you won the lottery? That was how it was for me when my doctor told me, but in reverse. I did not think about the things I will do, I thought about the things I wouldn't be able to do. To this day, I can still hear my husband's deep breath when we were told about it. It is a memory that I believe will forever be a part of me. The sound that told me just how much this beautiful person loves me completely.
So anyway, I digress. Back to my "lottery winning" moment.
"Stage 3, but curable". Yeah. At that moment, even the word "curable" was not comforting. You just know that your life is numbered. The finish line became a reality. We all will pass one day, but we do not truly fully comprehend this knowledge until we really have something tangible to attach it to. Cancer is one strong tangible thing. One finally grasps the concepts of the "life ever after", "light at the end of the tunnel", "going home" and so many other poetic phrases when one is diagnosed with critical illness. I can tell you now, there is nothing minutely poetic about another human being telling you how your body is not cooperating with your life goals.
I thought about the many events that I may miss if this illness wins. I thought about the many things that would easily bother me, the people whose mere presence would annoy me, the petty incidents that would turn me into a witch. I thought about how I have not even made up a bucket list yet. I thought about how I spent so much energy at work, making it like my life depended on it. I thought about the friendships I lost, the relationships I gave up on. I thought about the life events of my daughter that I may miss. I thought about how my husband will cope. I thought about the emptiness of not being there. Or of not being here. Or of just plain not being.
People who have gone through serious life incidents would tell you that there are more important things in life than your work, your career, your business. That you should make every effort to build your relationships, nourish your family, spend time doing what you love.
They are right. I can tell you that. I can honestly tell you that the company you work for will not close shop if you clock out on time. Your career will not crash if you take that short weekend getaway. Your business will not fold up if you go home and have dinner with your family.
But I am not writing this piece to tell you that in order to live your life to the fullest and have no regrets, you have to focus on your family, your relationships, on doing what you love. No, doing all that and even tacking on the bonus of completing your bucket list, will not guarantee you a life well lived, with no regrets.
See what I realized during that precious moments of being in-between the here and now, was that life is not about me. It is not about what I want or what I should do. It's about what the will of the Lord is. It's about not just acknowledging His will, it's also about humbly accepting it. It's about glorifying Him with the life that we live.
"Put God first, and everything will follow." True. Absolutely, rock steady, true. Think about it, God's promise is that He will bless those who honor Him. If He is the first consideration in everything that we do, then we are confident that all our everything will be blessed. Extremely, abundantly, overflowingly blessed.
I am not perfect in faith. I have my weak moments, but now I am able to identify those moments to be able work towards correcting them. I am going to be a continuing work in progress for the Lord, but I intend to make the Lord's work easier from now on.
I am healed now. Confirmed clear of any cancer. I am healed not because colon cancer is reportedly the most curable of all cancers. I am healed because God wills for me to be healed. He has it written in His palm that I will spring back and be a testimony to how good and gracious and merciful He is. And He is. He truly is.
So, what makes our life worth living? It is not about fulfilling our own desires. It is about living our life for the glory of God!
Go ahead, enjoy life. Enjoy it and give thanks to the Lord that He has given you the chance to live it according to His will!
Don't forget to catch your blessings everyday!
Praise and Glory God!
